The Elixer of the Mud-Gods

G'day Chemistry Set Experimenters,

people have been making jokes to me over the last few months that I should try eating weird stuff because my sense of taste is on the blink (not working) for now.

Suggestions have been things like broccoli and brussel sprouts. It's actually sort of tempting just to see what the texture is like. But the taste itself is likely to be one big nothing with a vague sweet/bitter/salty/sour/dirty-dish-water/mud after-taste (I think I got the list of basic tastes right.)

You might have guessed by now that the best of my taste senses is actually sweet. Which is at least some small consolation.

Official Health Food for Me!

And my Dietician at the Hospital doesn't really care too much what I eat, as long as there's plenty of protein and I'm not losing weight.

When was the last time you got permission from a health professional to eat a fuck-tonne of ice cream, chocolate and marshmellow if you wanted??

Bitter sort of works a bit too. My dietician however, still doesn't really get the whole lack of taste thing. Aside from these hints of sweet and/or bitter - NOTHING has a taste! It doesn't matter if I add Habanero chilli sauce instead of tomato sauce to my pie. It's all equally bland, except that the Habanero will burn the fuck out of my thrush weakened gums - and pain I can feel!

Stupid Git! (Does "Git" apply to a Woman? Gitess, Lady-Git, She-Git?)

As I explained in a previous post - playing with interesting textures is generally the best I can do.

Today I bought some honeycomb to try. Not bad! That crackly-popping feel is a bit of fun. (Alas it was the choc-coated artificial stuff - not wot came out of Neil Gaiman's beehives.) At the very least I must hunt up some Violet Crumble bars.

Slippy-sloppy-slurpy Goodness

I also bought some Cup-a-Soups. The main reason is that they would probably make an interesting hot drink. I was right. The slippy-sloppy-slurpiness of the noodles in the chicken noodle variety was fun and palatable - and hot.

Bliss!

Given the way the temperature's suddenly dropped in the last day, causing me to tense up more, especially in my jaw/head, and in turn generate more pain, hot drinks are something that I will need more and more. It's a recipe for pain relief that you don't find in the literature.

Microwaveable heat-packs are in the documentation, and have been very useful in the past 24 hours.



Now - to one of the most daring experiments that I've performed since I overheated and blew up a test tube with jet-powered force, and exploded the contents all over the lounge-room ceiling at the old family home.

(I numbly went downstairs to my parents and asked for a ladder ;-) That shit soaked into the plaster and no matter how many coats of paint that went over the stains, they just ate their way through. My father built a bench area under the house where I could continue my Chemistry-Set fun and games.)

I DRANK A CUP OF COFFEE!!!

You should know (if you already don't) that I HATE Coffee.

I hate the smell of it. I have to take and hold a deep breath if I walk past a coffee wholesale store in Newtown. Only a Fishmongers is worse.

I hate the taste of it.  Even small amounts in foil-wrapped gift chocolates. Dis-gusting!!

I hate those smug gits that think they're so fucking sophisticated with their latest boasts about sipping ethical-borneo-jungle-shitted-out-by-a-cat-turkish-blend-greek-ground-italian-poured-latte-macchiato.

As such I haven't drunk an entire cup of coffee since I was a teenager.

BUT - I have no sense of taste! Time for an experiment.

I suspect this is a cup of coffee.

I found the jar of Moccona instant coffee that I have hidden in the back of a cupboard for visitors and an old coffee cup. I boiled water in the electric jug and not so carefully blended the ingredients until I came up with a cup of hot steaming black stuff.

That's how you make coffee isn't it? It's been a while.

I let it cool down a bit (a lot really) as my mouth is not used to hot drinks.

Slowly, with much trepidation, I bought the cup to my lips and took a sip,

Bugger - not enough to get get any real sense of what I had just done. I lifted the cup and took a larger sip.



It was as I suspected! If I had ever tasted muddy water, then this was it. It wasn't totally foul, but neither was it some magic instant pick-me-up.

Crazily addicted? Probably not yet.

It was as to be expected - tastleless with a hint of bitterness. I added 2 sugars. No real change. I added 2 more. Mmm, perhaps a little better. So I decided to see the experiment to its logical conclusion. I slowly drank it all. It took about 5 minutes.

Whilst there was no obvious magic caffeine energy burst, it was quite a while before my evening drowsiness came on.

So I think it worked! Will I try it again?

People with taste actually drink this?

Possibly. If the caffeine can combat the drug and treatment induced fatigue and drowsiness ... it may actually be of some use. I could try more sugar and perhaps milk next time.

But I don't know what will happen should I get used to it and my taste start to return. Will I be addicted to the shit and have to get used to the real taste instead of sorta-bitter-muddy-ditch-water?

Or is that how it tastes all the time anyway? It wouldn't surprise me.